This entire thread feels actually off to me. Case in point, my then SO and I have been friendly with a man. When he married he withdrew virtually completely from the complete social scene of which we had been part. He turned part of his spouse’s social scene. While I mainly agree that it’s mistaken to control different individuals’s social lives, there are people who want that from their SO. I can see the attraction of the ultimatum I just would say that it looks like a nasty option which may really feel simpler within the moment, however gained’t help when what you need is lengthy-time period options.

For The Boyfriend Who Is Sick Of Puzzles

It seems like somebody making an attempt to control things into the response they need with out regard to the other person’s feelings and autonomy. It doesn’t acknowledge the power to make mistakes while trying to fix a behaviour.

But again, each social interaction is a ymmv case. Because I’m sure that in different people’s circumstances and lives ultimatums can and have been used healthily and constructively…. And the truth that this is able to be my response makes me not want to use them either. You’ve all probably observed threads closing sooner than usual. When discussions get like this, with no new data for the LW, just individuals back-and-forthing at one another, I check out of desirous to learn them.

Yes… though I still feel just like the ultimatum situation itself is a setup to fail when it comes to really respecting the other individual’s company. It looks like a hostage situation to me. And once more there are most likely alt.com examples where that is an choice where you actually are respecting the other person’s agency and I just lack the experience of those conditions to see this clearly. But the second case is very guilt-trippy to me.

Spend More Time With Friends And Family

Thoughts On “my Boyfriend Is My Only Friend

It only turned clear after a few months collectively that she was not really his ex as a result of he had by no means got round to breaking up together with her. He talked about having a girlfriend and added parenthetically (“it’s not Lulu”) — “Lulu” being the girl with whom he had cheated on my good friend all these years in the past. Like my good friend can be clutching her chest with fear that it was her! LULU if he didn’t hasten to reassure her.

His narratives could be misrepresenting issues. Others here have hit on fairly a couple of methods how matters may be misrepresented. You’ve simply defined fantastically why I couldn’t really find my take an ultimata in either aspect of this subthread. That is a really fascinating take on ultimata. I hadn’t thought concerning the resentment the individual issuing it would feel after the very fact.

sort of a derail, however yeah, some people consider everyone with whom they arrive into contact as supporting cast. Never position-play with people you dislike. Thankfully Husband feels an analogous way to me about considered one of his siblings who just seems to NGAF about us – we dont really GAF about them either. We wont put in any special effort for them since they refuse to for us. If we go to their metropolis and so they cant make the household dinner / afternoon tea / whatever that we’ve 3 or four days to deal to, too unhealthy for them. Some folks legit take pleasure in being the swirly heart of a drama sundae. It’s entirely possible Boyfriend is completely ok with this weird dynamic.

And most of all it doesn’t actually give the individual an opportunity to honestly change how they are treating you/the scenario that is causing the issue or whatever. Because on this case the ultimatum giver will at all times in some way think that the change made was due to worry of them leaving EVEN if the other person would actually have been keen to help without the menace. I would say that presenting folks in your lives with ultimatums is rarely a good idea. Yes, it’s a little manipulative, however I assume that serious, deal-breaker boundaries are inherently a little manipulative. Just because this is a thing that is super frequent in abusive relationships doesn’t mean that it’s terrible in every instance and situation.

I actually hope I’m incorrect and this is only a difficult scenario that places plenty of stress on the each of you, and he’s not being his finest self underneath those circumstances. But she’s not your drawback, she’s not going to be in your life, as a result of the captain’s advice here is spot on. But he’s going to be around, and boundary-setting situations are going to keep arising no matter what happens with Toxic. It would possibly clean things over, it’d outwardly preserve some fragile established order, nevertheless it received’t make you happy. LW, I assume you really do have a boyfriend downside. Evil Ex™ told me that his ex was stalking him and begging him to get back collectively along with her. She contacted him a number of instances after we were in the identical room so his story was credible.

There are a lot of Darth-y things which are unacceptable because of their presentation and/or frequency, but not in precept. I mustn’t complain too onerous about it, since I owe my current relationship to the similarly-expressed insecurity of his previous girlfriend, which left him single, however ugh, so manipulatative.